Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
i baked you a cake
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.