*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You Might Also Like
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The “baby” on the left….
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.