:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments