[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sorry not sorry.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”