Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
britain’s three elite institutions
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.