My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.