[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked