a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.