“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
i smell a pulitzer
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A roof is a house hat.
We avoided this particular disaster
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?