Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.