[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
this is funnier than any friends episode
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?