If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My whole life was a lie.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy