*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Who chose this font
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*