If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Damn he played himself
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”