Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Customer is always right
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.