A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.