I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Admin smashed it 😂
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.