I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
You Might Also Like
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
They’re on their honeymoon
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no