Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Don’t talk down to me
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: