ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
You Might Also Like
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know