I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I hope they boil the right one.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.