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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.