My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.