Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.