“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The government even made aliens boring