The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My dad is at it again
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.