If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
You Might Also Like
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children