Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?