Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy