I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
When I laugh on my period
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.