Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight