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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.