I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Every. Damn. Time.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.