[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You Might Also Like
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.