Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today