In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.