[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.