I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers