Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
🙅🏻
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.