If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat