When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.