[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Noted.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
umm…
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
the #horror is real!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.