HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]