Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.