Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
THIS HEADLINE
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there