Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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Mornin
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven