I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.