Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…