*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story