I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.